Admiral Piett from Sideshow Collectibles!

Gaunt. Weak. Frail. Sure, you could use these terms to describe good ol' Admiral Piett. But you'd be more wrong than marrying you sister. Piett was seriously one fucking badass Imperial sunuvabitch. In fact, he was such a fucking badass that he actually appeared in both Empire and Return. No other Imperial Officer could make such a claim. But what is it exactly that makes Piett such a hardcore Galactic Pimp? Read on to find out.

Piett was a lowly Captain on Vader's ship, The Executor, serving under Admiral Ozzel. Fortunately  for Piett, Ozzel royally fucked up and Vader was like, "Ish don't think so." and BLAMMO, Ozzel = deceased. Vader then gave the job to Piett, which offered an awesome 401k and much better benefits. Also, The Executor was no pussy Star Destroyer. Nope, The Executor was a massive, mind fucking, SUPER Star Destroyer. To gauge the size of a Super Star Destroyer all you need to do is look at North America. Then multiply North America's size by roughly 70 trillion and there you go: Super Star Destroyer.

So how exactly did Piett get through Return of the Jedi without suffering a force choke from Vader? Well, I've been thinking long and hard about this, and the only answer I can come up with is that Piett had a bootleg copy of Vader slaughtering the younglings from Revenge of the Sith. Imagine if that shit leaked on Galactic Youtube; Darth Vader murders children, chokes out his pregnant wife, and has asthma. Why was anyone scared of him again? Well Piett sure wasn't. Piett was scared of no man. It is, however, well known that he was very pussy whipped by his wife. What's not so well known? His wife was Yarna D'Al'Gargan.

Piett was fighting at the Battle of Endor (more likely he was on on the phone asking his wife what he needed to pick up at the grocery store) when an A-Wing fighter flew into his head. Seriously, what a fucking way to go.

Tri-Klops!

Ahhh Tri-Klops. The man with one eye...TIMES 3! Yup, that pretty much sums up ol' Triky. Oh, he's got some killer fashion sense too, making sure to leave the sides of his shirt open for tickley fun time in Snake Mountain. Also, he has 2 belts: an orange and a green one. Only Mr. Klops here could pull off that fashion combo.

But, alas, Tres-Eyes isn't all perfection. He has 3 different viewing receptacles : a green one to highlight the plant life in the spring, a blue one to better gaze at the sky and make animal shapes out of the clouds, and a brown eye (pictured red here because he was blazed off his fucking rocker). Unfortunately, with a twist of a few centimeters, Klops is rendered blind as Helen Keller locked in a suitcase which was tossed in a cave right before it collapsed. I guess that's why his sword is so long; so if he gets blinded (and lets face it, a gust of wind could do the trick) he can slash like a madman and hope he hits something. Kloppy-McKlopkins also comes with a featherless green robotic chicken head for secret poultry missions. The chicken head also has like 4 exhaust pipes. I call overkill. Lastly, Tri-Tri comes with an awesome glow in the dark ring, but it ain't gonna fit on him. Nope, that ring is for real people fingers. Damn straight I'm replacing my wedding ring with this delightful plastic one. Glow in the dark>platinum.
Added bonus: the ring opens up for easy coke storage.








Meh to Tri-Kloptocus. He's not as lame as Zodac (who can't even chose what side he's on), but he ain't no Hordak. Also, his real name is Trydor Esooniux Scope. I did not make that up.