Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Darth Corleone!

"Fuck!"-Luke Skywalker's first and final word when he came across Darth Corleone.

The Emperor was a pussy. Vader was a bitch. The "Rule of Two" was tossed out the window years before little Annie's eyes ever turned yellow. You see, there was another sith. A sith so powerful he just sat back, waved his hands a little, and made shit happen. Darth Corleone was his name, and when the stupid rebels partied with the teddy bears, he just smirked. You see, Darth Corleone was behind everything. He knocked up Anakin's mom, just by glaring at her. He later had the sandpeople torture her, because they owed him a favor. Darth Corleone was responsible for just about everything that happened in the world of Star Wars.

Darth Corleone lived inside a black hole with his rare Yavin 3 kitty, Nubbers. Why did he live in a black hole? Cause he could. Darth Corleone used a lightsaber, but not to fight. He used it to light his cigars. Darth Corleone didn't need to Force Choke. He'd just stop time, walk over to you, and pop your head like a Scanner. Force Lightining was to flashy for Corleone. He'd rather just burst your cells, one at a time. That's how Corleone rolled.

Why exactly did Darth Corleone mastermind all this? Well, he was bored. He was born a poor immigrant on a tiny planet called It-Al-E where he made sarlaac cannolis. At the age of 12, he sneezed and blew up the entire planet. It was then that he decided to learn some sith stuff. Years later, he came across Anakin's mom during a rare trip outside of his black hole to visit Jabba's Winery on Tatooine. He felt something that he didn't know he could So he looked at her and knocked her up. Not big for shelling out child support, he headed straight back to his black hole to drink some fine Corellian Whiskey. When Anakin's mom began attempting to gather unpaid child support, he called up Larry, the head of the Sand People.

Not many people knew of Darth Corleone. The Emperor did, but Palps was pretty freaked out by him, so he tried to stay as far away from him as possible. During the construction of the first Death Star, Palpatine wanted to call it "The Evil Sphere o' Death", but Corleone was adimit about calling it the Death Star. When Palpatine refused, he woke up one morning with a rancor head under his bed sheets. Palpy never argued with Corleone again.

Several years after Return of the Jedi, Luke had very little to do. So he and Han began an illegal spice operation that netted then billions. Darth Corleone wasn't all that pleased with drugs in his galaxy, so he had a guy have a guy who had a guy have a guy tell Luke to knock it off. Luke just laughed and plunged his face into a mountain of spice. Darth Corleone was none too pleased. So Corleone left his black hole once again to deal with the issue. He headed to Luke's current location on the newly dubbed Planet Skywalker (formerly Coruscant) and saw the situation was worse than he could have imagined. The entire planet was high on spice. Leia was riding Chewbacca around butt naked. Han had gotten so many STD's from all the Twi'Lek hookers he could get his hands on, that his privates actually became sentient. And Luke was producing Hutt on Jawa porn while using the force to constantly stream spice up his nose. Darth Corleone just shook his head, walked up to Luke, and off his cranium went, just as easy as being cold on Hoth. Darth Corleone then sneezed. It is estimated that 17 billion people lost their lives when Planet Sywalker exploded.

Darth Corleone's whereabouts are currently unkown. He may have been spotted in a Naboo orange grove, but reports are unconfirmed.

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